‘It’s like throwing a Hot dog up an alleyway’….

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You’ve just had an a 9lb baby with the head the size of a football, and the last thing you want to think about is resuming your sex life. You wish you’d seriously considered dating the Mr Bean look -alike, with the ridiculously small head that all your friends had laughed at, but at least you wouldn’t have needed that episiotomy with his son. The broad rugby shoulders and body that attracted you to your partner actually don’t seem that attractive when you’ve had to have forceps to get your baby out. And once you’ve really taken into consideration how enormous your husbands head is, the chance of your child having a sibling is very slim.

Labour is painful, you’ve been torn and stitched back up again, so the idea of having sex again seems as appealing as running a marathon in your nursing bra and Bridget Jones passion killers. Before having children, playing with your breast was welcomed foreplay, now it’s a motive for murder. Your bed is no longer 50 shades of Grey, but more 40 winks. I remember when I used to sneak off to bed to have a quickie with my partner, now a quickie is a twenty minute catnap before I’m forced to get up and start feeding or wiping bums again.

Once you do get back to feeling normal and the 3rd degree tear has repaired, there’s always that worry of you going back to normal ‘down there’. Your partner has seen a baby destroy something that has given him so much pleasure. It’s been stretched so much you’ll be doing your pelvic floor exercises at Bingo, so that it doesn’t feel like a Wizard’s sleeve.

But there is hope ladies, it does go back to normal – the sex life and the vagina, but if it doesn’t, then you need to consider dating somebody with a smaller head or bigger Hot dog.